I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
