i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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