Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
