I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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