My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
