Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
