went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
