Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
