I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you didnt know i had herpes?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
