I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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