His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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