so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
