we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
