she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
