he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
