DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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