I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
