HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
