I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
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I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
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lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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