Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
