How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
