My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
