Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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