turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
They took my balls.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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