I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
worst night to have a conscience
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
