by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
