I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
