Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
