just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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