Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
