Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
