Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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