i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
