Swine flu. Run for my life!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
