i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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