Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
