So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
