Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
