Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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