I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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