I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
