Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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