I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
