im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
