like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
