You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
