Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
