Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
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