i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
