stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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