Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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