Jerry, you need to find god
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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