I wanna passion pit in your ass
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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