I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We got so high we made milksteak
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
