JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
