if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
