Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
