I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
